Day 59: Pain and contradictions
The pain comes from the contradictions.
Being at work and not working with passion. Just doing. This manner of life is so foreign to us – you and me. You were always all in. Add the weights to squat, press, lift. Little by little, move the needle to the max.
This passion for being in the game is so different than now being at the game. Attending with disinterest. So contradictory.
The contradiction of pictures with you present but no longer: your smile and presence only a memory; a story of events when you were alive. Totally in the game and discovering yourself. What you would do for no other reason than you could..
Your size and strength were so contradictory to your pleasant demeanor and humble approach. Respectful. Polite. Why not be a bully because that too was possible?
The contradiction of yesterday 59 days ago: A life tucked into existence in the moment and now tucked away with an event that changed existence. Forever and such a contradiction.
A trajectory: Yours now stopped and never to be. The contradiction of what could have been with what cannot ever be.
The contradiction of enjoyment and laughter without you.
No longer so certain: such a contradiction to moving forward, now just a guess. Calculated and conditional.
These contradictions are sitting in my life as big as life. Now more noticeable. Perhaps they always were present but ignored. Now underscored with a scream that resonates. I hope to one day learn to live with these contradictions but doubt I can understand them. Coexist with them quietly in the background.
Dogg Man. It’s been a long 59-day journey with contradictions: The pain not dissipated but underscored by them.
I’ll work on it. Come to resolution. You need to be in our life with no contradictions. Nothing conditional.