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  • Writer's pictureGerald Tindal

Day 272: Uncertainty

Updated: Aug 14, 2019

KT Man,

Today is May 13, 2019. You would have been 29 years old. We plan to celebrate your life rather than your birth. And we plan to do this in the most KT way we can. Golf and good food to ward away the uncertainty and move forward with you in our life.

It hasn’t been easy buddy. Your death has rocked us hard and made life so uncertain. My usual approach to assume anything is possible is now replaced by uncertainty of why rather than how. The days have been long with memories of you throughout. Many thousands of memories every day that crowd into the stream of events and have uncertain effects. Mornings are the worst, as they introduce the certainty of your death and re-introduce the uncertainty of the day and the meaning of life. How to get through yet another day with only vague purpose and somewhat meandering understanding. Grief so deep that despair sits in wait, just around the corner. But we are determined to place you and your life in a way that allows the uncertainty to be framed. Cornered. For life to be possible without being certain. Be at peace with uncertainty and move forward with you at the helm, guiding us into the future. Quietly.

On Saturday, Sev and I went to a mixed martial arts fight with three Art of War fighters. Tough guys who are soulful and ultimate athletes. One of your attributes: Sports and life are the same word spelled differently. The fight was held at Seven Feathers, a huge casino off the freeway in southern Oregon. The floor plan forced people to walk through the casino to get to the event. Hundreds and hundreds of people sitting at slot machines staring stupidly into a spinning wheel with colorful objects lining up to make patterns of pay outs. The sounds as colorful as the things spinning. A repetitive play of uncertainty. And out of their control.

Entering the event, the uncertainty was present but in control of the fighters. The fight itself equally uncertain but reflecting effort, not a random play on spinning things. The athletes honed to perfection. Healthy. Trim. Prepared. Yet uncertain. Moves to play out in different sequences. In the end, all three Art of War fighters were victorious: TKO, KO, and a Tap Out. A title fight with the belt retained. Masterfully. So today is about moving forward like the fighters, uncertain but moving forward.

I viewed Daniel’s Duck talk delivered in the final days of the SPM program. The presentations were self-reflections after 10 weeks of a leadership course and to contemplate why should anyone follow you. Daniel is a gifted speaker and presented on you. He captured your essence with four simple ideas.

• Life is better when you are positive. This was you all in and in every way.

• Life is short. This is where the grief comes in.

• Life isn’t fair. This is where the uncertainty prevails.

• Life goes on. This is where the uncertainty needs to be cornered.

He quoted Winston Churchill in closing, with remarks about being victorious in moving through life and being successful. Much like the fighters in the octagon. Entering the event with uncertainty, but being present with a soulful belief in moving forward no matter the outcome.

KT Man: You were everything in our life and we will celebrate that. And we will be willing to live with uncertainty as we move forward.

Dad Man

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