Lest you think we forgot about you, it’s simply not possible. Not having written since Christmas is a function of stemming the still present overpowering grief that has many dimensions in how deep it is. The days roll on and you remain a constant part of each one usually with the edges and often with great sadness. With graduation in a few days, I am compelled to write a letter.
Understanding all of this has not happened. Accepting it is about all that we can hope for. I have promised your mom not to be so sad all the time and to help us all keep our lives together and to move forward. Be positive with her, Sev and Mads to keep you in our life in a manner that fulfills. Pulls your essence into our days and build on what we had: a rich and wonderful life with you for 28 years. Not many people have the joy of being so accepted by family and friends, helping them lead their life to reflect worth and respect. Discovery. Acceptance. The five words on the KT patch: Athlete, Authentic, Collaborative, Curious, and Generous. Big words that are hard to live by.
The pictures remain frozen in time and in place throughout the house. Moving them is not an option and seeing them is always difficult. If only because time has moved and your presence has not. Irreconcilable. Memories are of the same vintage. The letters are equally impossible to read but at least let others know you better and understand the process of what happens when an ordinary moment becomes tragic. A conversation not well suited for taking place with people. Sympathetic but awkward. Best left with the written, not the spoken, word.
We have been prepared for the graduation by Shelly. We expect both a celebration and a bitter sweet reflection on all that could or should have happened. The joy of youngers taking over the world, becoming the next gen out of our current one. Hopeful for a new beginning. You were on the edge of moving from jobs for survival to a career for accomplishment, like all of your classmates. From school to work. Inventing the future with cool new innovations that we can’t even imagine. It is this beautiful and auspicious difference that reflects the difficulty of the past casting a shadow over the future, making your death so difficult.
But we need to stay steady in celebrating the joy of your life and your presence in ours. So, when we receive your degree, we can remember the huge impact you have had on all of us.
We love you buddy. You brought joy to our life and we will remember that.