KT,
The weather in Oregon lately has been nothing but sunshine. Clear blue skies not like the smoke haze earlier this summer. Cool nights in the 40’s and 50’s. Warm days in the 70’s and 80’s. Weather to be out. Walking. Running. Just standing to enjoy. This fine weather of sunshine has presented itself day after day and is becoming the season. All week. All month: the month of October normally changing to rain. Preparing for the big rain month of November. Fall turning to summer. Backwards. Much like your death. Today will be sunshine with activities reflecting the light. Being light hearted. Being in the weather not under the weather.
I always thought under the weather meant being sick and unwell. And it certainly means that. I looked up its history and apparently it comes from the days when people traveled by sea. Got sea sick from the rocking ocean and went below deck to lessen the rock. Under the deck due to weather…under the weather. Because I make words up, I’ll rearrange this idiom.
Under the weather can also mean it’s spell when incongruent. Sunshine is not what I long. I need not the spell of sunshine’s frolic and enjoyment. With your death being a constant reminder of sorrow, I long for the rain of Oregon. The famous soup of fog. Dense fog. Light rain with many names that all come back to rain. When rain lingers on its way from the sky. Not really falling but gently presenting itself. Rain measured in time not amount. Rain that comes all day making it difficult to see. Even in the day. Its spell of quiet reflection. Uncertainty with invisibility. Slow movement as a result. Night time is special because it’s difficult to see beyond the reach of your arm. Things are out there that can’t be seen. So much like your presence and now your absence.
Buddy: It’s moving to three months since your death and I spend so much of my day and night with you in my thoughts. Quietly being with me. Right now, under the weather: the incongruous sunshine. Hoping one day to be in the fog rain of Oregon. In this weather not under the weather. A winter of it.
JT