I had a dream last night which is unusual. Dreams require sleep as the doorway and I don’t sleep much. But this dream was poignant: We laid you to rest. So strange that, after a dream of reality, I awoke to reality. I was so uncertain that I lay awake the rest of the night. Quiet.
The moon has been full for the last two nights, so different than the sliver when we were at the ocean in early September. We’d been with dear friends. Dinner. Rambling conversations: big ideas and idle chatter. Relaxing, guiding us forward. Work of course, but more important stuff like turkeys, foibles, health, travel, time, next steps, when…Experiences shared and surprised. The evenings ended days of tumult in resolving a return to work while resisting the movement of time. The pull of moving ahead, but not without you. The reminders of all things beautiful about you in our life and now the memory of your death. Replacing this memory with your life. It’s not easy. No playbook.
The moon will soon be a sliver, not the full, bright light under a clear sky. We will be sitting in the dark of morning before the stir of people but with different conversations. About the day. Practical ways to get work done. Accomplish. Achieve. Look forward but tempered by reflecting back. Small steps. Breathing. Managing conversations to be meaningful not knowing meaning. Your death quietly ruling from behind but thinking of your life. A promise or maybe a hope. It’s the subject lines of all my letters to you in one big mess. Tangled.
The day’s about to begin and we’ll be there. More quiet. So much sadness with hope. Trying to learn from your lead. Living your attributes. Appreciating your ‘let’s roll with this and see where we can go.’ Wearing a smile. Listening to others and offering a hand. Paying attention to the small stuff cuz the big stuff’s already in motion with directions set, only tempo to adjust.
One day, we may enjoy a full moon and not dream of laying you to rest but bringing you with us. And wake up having you in our life.
We love you.